I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
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The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
same bro
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck