5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
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Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Natty or not?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.