LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Ah to hear the music of the angles!