People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.