Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
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gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
“What?”
– Jude
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??