“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)