So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
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If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
A little too much information.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl