I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
starting a garage orchestra
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Spa day..😅
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
one of
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.