If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Never forget.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.