I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.