The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
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If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
That’s it.I’m out.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that