Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
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I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.