Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
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There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know