This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
You Might Also Like
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.