Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Every damn time
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50