take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
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Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.