It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
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Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Finally!
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I feel it
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.