I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.