My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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Baller is short for ballerina
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons