I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
You Might Also Like
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Mornin
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”