Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
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*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?