Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
This will never not be funny 😭
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.