Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
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[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.