I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
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Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.