My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
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Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition