I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
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Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
? 💀
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
u spoke cat all this time??????
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.