Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards