My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
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snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.