Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
We’re all getting idioter.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?