ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Bread puns are on the rise!
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*