Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
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Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING