My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
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Every work call, he judges.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
i wish i could marry a nap
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are