[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
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What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
car not found
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.