Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
This week’s mood.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?