ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
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[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
decorating my apartment
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
c’mon!
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*