Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!