My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
You Might Also Like
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y