*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Saw your ex at the shops
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*