You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
You Might Also Like
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
accurate
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Spa day..😅
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Google assistant rules
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.