ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
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Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were