7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
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Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you