*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
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“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
TODAY
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?