I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
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*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*