“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
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If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind