THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
The little toadstool has spoken.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”