Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy