The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
A leaf blower, but for people.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT