Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
estão todos miauvindo?
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity