Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
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If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.