Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
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My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
🤣could you imagine
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Thinking about Jeff
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them